well i finally got swine flu.

Posted on | June 30, 2009 | 4 Comments

This is what the inside of my head sounds like:

thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka SNRUNNNNNNNK thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka thunka

it’s not pretty. Perhaps it is just my body breaking down after going at 125% for a year and a half now, while trying to maintain heroic levels of alcohol intoxication… trying to remain high while broke-ass and dealing with the stress of being a mooching fraud… well. i would tell everyone where the money goes if I knew… but I have no idea. I get paid and then look up three days later and I’m already off-budget. you have no idea how many ATM receipts I have stared at in disbelief.

Perhaps it was naive, but I really did think fifteen hours at zine-fest would result in maybe one freind on facebook, one email, one “fan” of our facebook page. I don’t mean to be bitchy. Tonight is Penny’s, and if I see even one of the 250 people I handed out flyers to (especially READ MY FUCKING POETRY guy) I’ll be pleased as punch.

Maybe I shouldn’t complain about visibility. Even now I can rattle off zines I saw… Carbon Based Mistake, Ancient, The Worst, East Village Inky… even my good old friends from Fractous Press were there. I haven’t seen those cats since I left Labyrinth books all those years ago. Point being is that hundreds of people saw Amuze, will recognize it if they see it again, etc. It’s a slow process. I was describing the fame(ish) & fortune(lol) process to a friend of mine as being so slow it may as well be referenced in Geologic Time measurements. I can even see mine now… Yonkers Era… Albany Era…. NYC (i)… Albany…. NYC (ii)… Amuse…. There are more (maybe?) to come…

I’ve been dreaming about old friends but can’t remember why they are all so sad, why they are all walking slowly down stairs, why they are dressed in white….

everything has rust all over it but you never see that happening. this could be a metaphor for my weak and sickly body. what will need to be replaced this time? will I not know what happened until one day walking past the red lobster on my way to get some dollar pizza and finally i feel it coming… THIS IS IT…. OH my god I am finally going to find out… and then it gets all sparkly around the edges of the field of vision… then a rush of blood to the feet, then you’re kind of walking and falling forward because your feet don’t work. Then you call out but it’s all reverby and echo-y and far away. Now people begin to notice. You reach for your phone but you left it back at the apartment to charge…silly yoga, always preparing for a future that will never come… one where you will regret it if yoyu leave and your phone dies… ha. well guess what…

i can’t even get sick without thinking about death. welcome to your mid-thirties (?)

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• > Yoga on Myspace (mp3s)
• > Yoga on Youtube
• A Mutual Respect Books and Music
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• Dear Drunk Girl
• God Tastes Like Chicken
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• Leah Milstein – Amuze Contributor
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